I had a lot of dreams, as any kid does right? My dreams were different from most my age. I began dreaming a LOT when I was around 8-10. I can’t remember the exact age but this was an ongoing dream and battle since I was a baby. I dreamed of happiness. Pure happiness.

From a young age I couldn’t seem to grasp the thought of truly being happy. Around 2nd or 4th grade my best friend died, Taylor S. I loved her, she was my best friend. I was weird and so was she, it was perfect. We had the best friendship and then one day she just went silent. She didn’t come to school for over a week before I was told. I didn’t know how to take it. My grades didn’t show it, but the anxiety started to grow. I began developing a crippling fear of people I’m not extremely close with, which I still struggle with today. It continues to affect how I see others. 

I was finally finding happiness when I found someone who supported me. In February of 2021/2022 I met my boyfriend. He gave me little touches of happiness. He helped me reach where I am now and I’ll forever be grateful for him. He helped me finally reach out for help. 

Will I feel completely fulfilled even with the happiest surroundings? My answer currently is still unknown. I’m on the right track though. I cannot tell my childhood self that I am happy because even if I get my moments something doesn’t feel right still. I’m not happy still but maybe one day I’ll get to that point. Living day to day is enough to make 12-14 year old me happy. I made it and I’m not miserable. I’m just not happy, but soon I will be.

Being happy is something no kid should ever have to worry about. I’m glad to be on a journey to healing with so many people to help around me. I hope everyone feels as safe as I do now, with a good friend group. This isn’t an end to my story, and it shouldn’t be an end to yours either, but this is an end to this one. I wish good days to all who read this. Smile more, enjoy life. Don’t hang onto the people who wronged you, they can’t bring down who you are. Be proud of who you are. Be proud of you. I’m proud of you.